Happiness is...

Had a long overdue lunch with one of my dearest friends today.  The kind of friend where even though it's been entirely too long that you've seen them, the greeting hug is so tight and genuine it takes you through a "friendship life flashing before your eyes moment by moment" montage, and you pick right up where you left off.  Over sandwiches, we talked about our kids (8 between us), our lives (we're getting old, we realized), schools (parochial or public), running (it's a sanity requirement), the merits of organic vs. conventional (expensive but necessary for the Dirty Dozen) and husbands (Lord knows they try and, God bless 'em, most times, they do "get it").  We talked about our faith and our desire to have our children know God, love Him and trust Him in the most difficult of times.  And, I got a lesson in prayer - one that was much needed and provided a 180 degree turn from my current prayer methodology ("Thy will be done...").

I walked away from that lunch with such a feeling of joy and happiness for my friend - she was simply glowing with happiness and an inner peace and calm that was palpable.  And it's happiness that's much deserved.  I texted her afterwards, letting her know how happy I was that she was happy and she replied in kind to me ('cause that's how we roll - haha!).

Her reply took me aback - me?  happy??  Really happy??  And I let the word settle over me:  Happy.

It hasn't been the easiest year emotionally for me.  Those of you who know me best know that I have struggled in the past with depression.  Throw in sleepless nights, a not-so-rewarding-day job and a complete life upheaval for our family with post-partum hormones, and it doesn't exactly make a cocktail for emotional stability.  The past few months were ones definitely inside the belly of the whale (see Jonah - my absolute FAV).  I cried a lot, slept some and tried to get out every once and awhile by myself for a quick run.  I survived on coffee and granola bars grabbed from the pantry in the middle of the night.  Only my hubby really knew the true depth of the depression, and he tried his best to help me in any way that he could.  I listened to Joyce, highlighted in my Bible, prayed and cried, and tried to get up every morning and put on The Happy Face so that no one would see just how dark it was on the inside.

And then, exhausted with it all, I just stopped.  I thought I was giving up.  My mantra became, "Thy will be done."  Running late to work?  Thy will be done.  Going into a meeting to face the firing squad of angry management? Thy will be done.  Girls not wanting to go to bed, and hubby taking them to bed with us, negating The Routine?  Thy will be done.  All the kids sick and me up with them all night before a big presentation at work?  Thy will be done.  Interviewing for a new job?  Thy will be done.  Funny thing about that prayer...I thought I was giving up:  Meh.  What do I care?  Whatever.  But to God, I had stopped thrashing and fighting and started to cast my cares - exactly what He had wanted me to do all along.  Silly me.

Slowly and deliberately, with each Thy will be done, the water that I was trying so hard to keep my head above in that well just bouyed me closer and closer to the top.  I learned that floating was better.  (A lesson that, ironically enough, my mother first taught me with the printed gift of this poem.)  Floating...casting cares...trusting God to handle it when I simply couldn't.  And, with each care that I cast, He provided.  Exponentially.  (I should have paid more attention to my previous post on Loaves & Fishes, eh?) 

I realized today that I'm really happy.  Not happy in a WOWSA-THIS-IS-THE-BEST-DAY-EVVVVEERRR-I'M-THE-KING-OF-THE-WOOOORRRLLLDDD!! happy.  Nope.  Happy in the sense that I know that there are always going to be tough times ahead.  There are always going to be struggles - some small, some monumental.  But, I know that He loves me.  He holds me.  And Satan is not going to steal that from me anymore.  (Fathead! - as Joyce says - which totally cracks me up...I digress...) 

What I'm saying is that, yes, today was an awesome day!  I am in a new job, everyone is healthy, hubby and I are making exciting plans for our family's future (no, we aren't having more kids) and I have some pretty cool things to look forward to in the next couple of months.  But, if I took all those big things away, I think I'd still be happy, because I now get that regardless of what happens - big or small - God has my back.

So, what really makes me happy?  What truly brings me joy?  What makes me smile? 

Nighttime porch chats at the end of the day with my hubby...The Monkey's wild hair in the morning...The Munchkin's crazy giggle when being chased by her daddy...The Lamb's scrunched up nose when she gets confused...The Bug's wide-eyed grin when he sees me when he wakes up or when I come home...The Dude's impromptu under-the-chin snuggle...a random-fact text from a miles-away friend...coffee chats with my best friend...Starbucks triple venti non fat no foam upside down caramel macchiatto...the crazy chaos that ensues with our girls when daddy announces, "It's doughnut day!!!!"...seeing my brother really smile after years of faking it...showtunes - LOTS and LOTS of showtunes...The Bear-dog sleeping with his head under our bed and only seeing a torso with a wagging tail on the floor when walking into the bedroom...the sound of stomping feet running up and down stairs and slamming doors...lime and salt popcorn followed by Reese's peanut butter cups...laughing until my stomach hurts with my extended family over desserts after Christmas dinner...getting into my car to unexpectedly find it detailed and full of gas...arguing with my Dad over The Tray and The Cup...the sun in my eyes on an early morning run...seeing my friends old and new on Facebook and being able to keep in touch with minimal effort...hearing my husband snore...daily calls with my mom to analyze "Maury" and take bets on whether or not "he IS (NOT) the father!!"...

Little things, friends.  The little things add up to the big things.  Like Snoopy said, Happiness is a warm blanket.

Thank you, Lord.  Thank you for my warm blankets...and thank you, H, for seeing it in me, too.
 
Stay tuned and much love,

1 Peter 5:7

⁷Casting the ^[a]whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, ^[b]once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you ^[c]watchfully.